Anchor
by oh sweet lily beans
Summary: Edmund always wanted to be older. -- Edmund gen


Edmund always wanted to be older: to have the same rare grace his brother had in his gait, the same confidence and responsibility. He always wanted to grow facial hair and to be giggled at by girls. Always like Peter. And then they venture into Narnia, some faraway land where the world, the War, and the screaming madness of the dying don't exist. Edmund is still a prick, but he doesn't realize it until too late - until the same grace that Peter walks with shows itself in actions, when he's willing to die by his little brother's side.

("When you die in Narnia, what happens, Peter? What about Mum and Dad and, and everything we left behind? What about -" "Shh, Ed, you need rest. I wouldn't let you do something stupid like that. Just stay with me tomorrow." A thousand times repeated, until Peter rises to check Edmund to be sure he's asleep. But thinking of tomorrow only brings Peter worries much like his brother's.)

As they age in Narnia, Edmund notices the tendons and the veins in Peter's hand that show when he signs his name, and flexes his own hands to see the same. The same sort of lines in his parents' hands are now in his own, signs of age and a trying life. Edmund always wanted to be older; now he is. He remembers England, sometimes, has dreams of lands that cannot compare to Narnia, and misses them, misses his parents. Despite the changing of his body, the facial hair he'd wanted for so long finally visible, Edmund's still just a boy, inside, really.

One day he sees Peter in the gardens with a maiden, he smiling and she giggling, and knows it's yet another hopeful lover. He can tell that Peter enjoys her company, but when Peter glances in his direction his eyes convey the same feelings Edmund has; they both remember a world beyond a wardrobe, and it only seems a dream, but it anchors them. They both know, though have never spoken aloud of it, that any actions they make here, such actions as accepting a lover, have impacts, aftershocks back in England. Peter encourages his siblings to deny suitors and temptresses, warning against such consequences and guilt. Susan only tells him not to be silly, but Edmund knows better.

Edmund notices other things about Peter. One day he gets close enough to him to notice shimmering hairs amid golden locks but refrains from staring; he worries, though, because Peter is still so young to be gray-headed. Lucy's not much better: she was always a young, lively spirit, so sweet and boisterous; recently she's matured, grown more eloquent, more charming. Her hair seems to be changing and she's gaining and losing fat in what others seem to think all the right places; she's already had a rather enthusiastic suitor whom Edmund practically had to throw out of Narnia to get him away from his baby sister. But she's not a baby anymore, as she reminds him countless times; he remembers her first day at the Pevensies', though he was young: he played with her any chance he got and loved her more than anyone could know. He still does, though she doesn't seem to think so. Age has made her more of a woman than he could want of such a young soul.

The funny thing is, Edmund doesn't grow up the same way each time he does it. The first time, in Narnia, he grows gracefully, like his brother, tall and handsome and perfectly healthy-looking. The second time he grows up, in England, he turns scrawny and isn't as tall as before, not as noble-looking. He notices pimples sometimes, and spends hours in front of the mirror trying to do something about them before throwing his arms up in exasperation at this cursed land, England. Edmund quite liked growing up in Narnia much better, even if he wasn't ready for it.

The day he dies, Edmund remembers looking in the mirror at himself intensely. He notices dark circles under his eyes from years of late-night studying, and he's still pale and thin. His hands are lined with tendons and veins that show as he writes and flexes them; he's noticed a few white hairs recently (and pulled them to be sure no one else would notice). He realizes for the first time that he's old. Not just in the naive boy wishing to be older sort of sense, but in the truly centuries-old sort of way; he wonders how many years he's been alive, really. He suspects something near a thousand years: a thousand years of love and loss, of war and hate, of saving and ruling a kingdom, and of crashing back down to earth.

He hears a crash and explosion, and looks to Peter, his beautiful brother, his high king, so very quickly, questioningly and curious, and sees a similarly aged brother unable, for the first time in centuries, to answer to his brother. The lights are as colorful as rainbows and as bright as a new star so they're blinding. He knows this must be the end, and when he feels the call of Narnia he feels younger than ever before. He knows nothing will anchor him to England anymore.


End file.
